Love

youtu.be/fQViOHd0Eak

I've just been feeling stressed and tired lately...  And this is a vent...

My mother plans to come back down here from a different state (using our money).  She's moved there twice and this will be the second time she's coming back.  Since I was 8, she's been on drugs and in and out of jail for it and other crimes she's committed under the influence.  Every time she's ever come home, she takes advantage of my trust and ends up committing crimes all over again before leaving me sad and confused to avoid getting arrested.  And I just don't know what to do anymore.  She's the best when she's sober, but she never stays sober... 
  But I can't do this anymore.  She's been doing this for 11 consecutive years, and I'm sick of my trust in her blowing up in my face every single time.  And I'm not that stupid...  I try to take precautions, I try to stop her from doing the things she always does...  I can't.  No matter what I do, I can't stop her, and I can't stop myself from hurting every time...
 I don't want her back here.  But I can't tell her no, because...she's my mother.  You're supposed to love your mother, and she's supposed to love you.  You're supposed to welcome her back with open arms, no matter how much she's fucked up.  You can't change the past, so don't dwell on it... Don't let a person's past define who they are in the present... 
  But even the thought of her return is triggering memories of her that I've long ago forced myself to forget.  I can barely eat because  the dread of her return is looming over me, upsetting me to the point of having to stop myself from crying when the feelings of humiliation and pain randomly take a hold of me when I'm doing something as normal as eating a bowl of cereal. 
  Every time, I think maybe she's better now.  And every time I'm wrong.  I don't know if I can believe her when she says she's better, because every time she's said it, she only got worse. 
  It just...hurts.